I am Legend featuring Will Smith was the last movie I've seen at the theater, and although the movie wasn't terrible, the entire experience was. This is usually the case as there's always some sort of distraction destined to ruin the event.
Young Pre-Teens and Their Unnecessary Antics
First up, a group of 12 to 14 year old girls, three of them, one of which who has already seen the movie. As my significant other and I get situated, overpriced popcorn and soda in hand, the oldest decides to inform me, "don't mind us, we're going to be screaming during the scary parts." Is that necessary, given you've already seen the movie? In fact, this ridiculous, non cognitive thinker decides she's going to notify her friends every time a scary portion of the movie is going to take place. Talk about a suspense killer - this ridiculously immature specimen of a human ruined the entire movie. Perhaps that's another reason to see rated R flicks only.
Overweight, Greasy Hair, Feet Prop'n Women
As if the screaming children weren't enough, Shamu and her boney sex deprived boyfriend had to sit within smelling range. The woman's hair smelled like rotting carcass mixed with sewage, in addition, she felt compelled to take her slimy shoes off and prop her crusty feet up for everyone to puke with disgust at her two inch long toe nails. Mix that with repetitive crackling from the plastic wrap of a sugar filled bag of sour worms, and you've got yourself two hours of pain and suffering. The smell alone was enough to make a billy-goat puke all over a trough filled with ground up bones and edible plants, but because relationships involve small sacrifices, I was forced to endure the torture.
Seriously, Enough With The Cell Phone
Are you kidding me? You honestly didn't see the unusually scary panda asking you to turn your phone off and shut the hell up? Can you not sit still for two hours without touching your cell phone just to tell your other stupid friends that you're watching a movie? And why the hell would they remain friends with you knowing that you're the dolt that goes to the movies to text everyone, "hey, I'm watching I am legend, it r0xxx!!!!!11one!!!1eleven!!!?" Moron. Get over yourself, you're not cool, no one cares what movie you're seeing, and you're adding to the overall douchebag effect of the experience. How about this? The next time you get the urge to text someone while watching a movie, punch yourself right in the throat. The lack of oxygen produces an orgasmic effect, and you'll make everyone around you happy, seriously.
The ritual of going to the movies is over rated. People suck, the movie usually sucks, and watching a movie in my own home while naked and drinking the finest brew on the planet kicks ass. I'd rather donate to some child molesting Christian freak trying to raise money for starving Ethiopians on TV than sit through another one of these mindless scenarios. Everyone claims, "z0mg - you don't get the same effect as when you goto the theater." I call B.S. Whether I'm sitting on my couch, or in some slimy, potentially aids needle infested theater seat, the movie has the same message, so shut your face.
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